Countdown

I suppose I should write considering that this child could come any minute now and then I won't be the pregnant woman anymore, but the one with a baby. So, perhaps this is one of my last postings as a pregnant woman (and until I am pregnant again), or perhaps I will find the energy to write again.

Horrible night last night. I have a feeling his arrival is imminent and last night I was tossing and turning and feeling cramps. Added to this, I have a bad cold and so had to swap sides all night so I could breathe. Added to this, I am coughing a lot and read somewhere that coughing can start labor! So, I am trying to cough in a subdued manner. Bizarrely, the last two nights I have woken up many times to the sound of my own moaning in my sleep! Very strange. I think I go into some kind of mini-labor at night but then wake up and it goes away.

All this to say, I feel like crap. I get why women talk about these last few days/weeks as some of the most difficult. Maybe not as difficult as those first months for me (the horror), but hard in a different way. Right now, he is technically due in 11 days (the 24th), however I am thinking that around the 21st/22nd, if he hasn't come by then, I will try and kick start it. I plan to walk a lot and possibly drink castor oil to get labor going. I am not that worried about going a week past my due date, but anything more will make me nervous as I do not want to get induced.

Now that I am sick I keep telling the little guy to WAIT. But last night in my dreamless, moaning state, I was convinced he was coming. It's a strange place to be. I know all women have gone through these last few weeks always vigilant to the signs of labor...

I mostly just feel rotten. Tired. Heavy. Precarious.

And sometimes I get freaked out at the thought of my life never being the same again. There was me. Now there is me and another person forever linked. It's different than a romantic relationship, this one is indelible. And I worry about ever being spontaneous again. About how I will logistically operate in the world now.

And I also worry about the baby being born healthy and those initial few weeks....

Anyway. It's a train that has left the station. As I sit here and write I feel cramps again...

No poetic words. My life is about to get real. No longer a girl. Time to be a woman.

He will come when he is ready. When our bodies align. When the timing is right.

Until then, I will moan about feeling all kinds of strange things.

Strange times

Note to self: do not read stupid vampire books which describe the pregnancy of a woman giving birth to a half vampire/half human baby. I have stopped reading and turned to an old copy of the New Yorker for sweet relief from the blood drinking vampire baby breaking the heroine's bones inside her.

That said, there is definitely a larger than life creature in here. When I look at first born photos I am amazed at how big the babies are. It is crazy to think I have a seven pound baby nestled inside me right now. I can't help but think he is going nuts in there all cramped and claustrophobic, but I guess he doesn't know any different.

Strange times now. Every day I wonder if this will be the day? The other day I was lying in bed and I projectile vomited into a nearby t-shirt. Lovely. For the rest of the day I felt nauseous and started to think this was one of the first signs of labor, ignoring the fact that I just ate two sandwiches with smoked salmon heaped on them. Then yesterday I started feeling mild cramps and started thinking, oh, maybe now?

So every day I am awaiting. I try and sit on the couch and listen to relaxing music to quell my anxiety. He will come when he comes. I will enjoy being a good mother to him. He will be a cute baby. It's difficult though. On the precipice of something so big.

Meanwhile, I bought him his first books yesterday. It was a cool feeling. Knowing that I was going to contribute to this little one's life. I have the responsibility of teaching and loving. My favorite of all books: "Why I Love My Daddy". I can't wait for my guy to read it to him.

It's the small things.

I'm next

A few months ago I met three other pregnant women by way of a pregnancy group that for various reasons we didn't end up attending. Instead though, we formed a friendship. All at different stages of pregnancy. I think I was around 25 weeks or so, maybe more at that point. A month ago, one of the women gave birth. And, last night another did. So, I'm next! The other woman has a couple of months to go. It has been wonderful knowing these new friends but even more so, fascinating to watch us all go through our various birth rites of passage one after the other. It seems that once one has given birth they are completely on the other side of the fence. That momentous occasion has occurred and life will never be the same. Meanwhile, I am still here, without a child, not a mother, but a fat woman with a very large tummy. However, in the space of one to three weeks, I will be on the other side.

My birth doula said something that resonated with me the other day. She said that giving birth, "is only one day of your life". And we spend these nine months frantically trying to prepare for it, but then it goes in a blink of an eye. I know my friend who gave birth a month ago barely registers the birth now, so preoccupied as she is with her beautiful new daughter. It's so existential. All so fleeting.

Anyway, I await, never ready, for his arrival. These days seem imbued with a potent feeling. I need to go to the DMV for my guy today. He says, you can go next week? But these days I can't take those kind of chances. Next week I may have a newborn? So strange waiting for the moment. But once it comes, I will be in it.

My friend who gave birth last night sent a text saying that "epidurals are wonderful". Every night these days I wake up with horrible back pain and I think to myself, will I be able to do it? I don't know. I really don't.

Bodies

OK, so, a yeast infection, now a hemorrhoid and 50 pounds. Pregnancy is brilliant. I don't understand why there are so many nuances that can go wrong with our bodies when this is supposed to be "natural". OK, so I am not a believer in the bible, but lord, maybe we are being punished for that damn apple? All the guy has to do is....

I just feel lovely.

Saw another doctor the other day who also rammed (although more gently than the last one) a hand inside me and confirmed that the head was indeed low. However, I had an ultrasound yesterday and the woman said that he wasn't that low. She also confirmed that the little thing was seven pounds! (3.1 kilos). And I am only 37 weeks! So, all I can do is pray he doesn't grow too much in the next few weeks.

Getting more nervous every day. How will I find out I am in labor? Will my waters gush in a cafe? Will I get the "bloody show"? How much is it going to hurt? Oh yeah, A LOT. I was reading someone's blog post the other day and they said that labor felt like an ice pick in her uterus. Nice.

Soon enough I will be posting here and the story will have unfolded. And I can guarantee that the story I post will be different than the "story" in my head. Until then, I try and visualize what I hope. That I will have a slow and gentle start to labor. That our doula will come over and let us know the right time to drive to the hospital. We will arrive at the hospital and the natural birthing room will be available. I will set up my iPod and lower the lighting and take showers and breath and not panic. And eventually, he will come. Healthy.

For now, I will try and work out my hemorrhoid cream instructions.