I'm next

A few months ago I met three other pregnant women by way of a pregnancy group that for various reasons we didn't end up attending. Instead though, we formed a friendship. All at different stages of pregnancy. I think I was around 25 weeks or so, maybe more at that point. A month ago, one of the women gave birth. And, last night another did. So, I'm next! The other woman has a couple of months to go. It has been wonderful knowing these new friends but even more so, fascinating to watch us all go through our various birth rites of passage one after the other. It seems that once one has given birth they are completely on the other side of the fence. That momentous occasion has occurred and life will never be the same. Meanwhile, I am still here, without a child, not a mother, but a fat woman with a very large tummy. However, in the space of one to three weeks, I will be on the other side.

My birth doula said something that resonated with me the other day. She said that giving birth, "is only one day of your life". And we spend these nine months frantically trying to prepare for it, but then it goes in a blink of an eye. I know my friend who gave birth a month ago barely registers the birth now, so preoccupied as she is with her beautiful new daughter. It's so existential. All so fleeting.

Anyway, I await, never ready, for his arrival. These days seem imbued with a potent feeling. I need to go to the DMV for my guy today. He says, you can go next week? But these days I can't take those kind of chances. Next week I may have a newborn? So strange waiting for the moment. But once it comes, I will be in it.

My friend who gave birth last night sent a text saying that "epidurals are wonderful". Every night these days I wake up with horrible back pain and I think to myself, will I be able to do it? I don't know. I really don't.